Struggling with dedicating enough time to my girlfriend. Help.
Not sure this is the best group to ask, but I'm feeling the struggle of boundary setting with my GF. She just wants to spend her free time watching Netflix or playing on her phone. I love spending my free-time building. Sure, I also love sharing activities with her that we enjoy together but it's getting to the point where her lack of ambition is creating a negative vibe in our home. As you know - building takes a lot of time. Time that we hopefully enjoy spending on our projects as indie hackers. Even when I agree with my GF that we're going "to do our own thing" on a Saturday, I just feel my GF waiting for me. And waiting. And asking when I'll be done working. Has anyone else felt a similar struggle? How did you deal with it?
After university, I have worked in my first company for 2.5 years. One of the team leaders there worked very hard, put a lot of time in the office, and had three kids. Just before I left there, he got divorced. He had a settlement of seeing the kids three times a week. To make it, he moved from team leader to a 3/4 position as a team member. I have asked him before leaving about it, and he said, "it took me to divorce and leave my team role to understand that there are more important things than work."
Schedule time during the week that is just for both of you. In the future, it will be your time with kids.
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As a married man in a happy relationship, here is what works for us. We both have hobbies, she likes going to the gym, I like to build products. I work on my projects one hour before my job and 1 hour after my job. We share what is left of the time during the weekdays.
Saturday is a no work/hobbies day for both of us. We hang out chat and spend lots of quality time together.
On Sunday, I usually work half or 3/4 of the day on my project and spend the rest of the day with her.
Life with someone else is made of compromises. You need to make some and she needs to make some. It also takes some understanding from both sides.
When I spend time during the week and on the weekend working on a product, she understands that I am doing this so that eventually we can live off the project and not have to have jobs working for someone else.
In a sense we share the same goals and vision and she gives me space to realize this dream.
If your girlfriend/ wife/husband is not supportive of a common vision, then you have deeper problem.
It's already hard enough to build a business and its a thousand times harder when you have to do it while dragging someone kicking and screaming.
You have to ask yourself it is worth it? To make relationship last you need common ground and you need a vision that you both agree with.
Think hard about your next step.
To conclude I want to make sure there is no misunderstanding. There is nothing wrong with someone having a lack of ambition and being happy to just go to work 9 to 5 and come home and watch Netflix. If that is what this person wants to do that is perfectly fine but the reality is that is this case you are probably not a match.
To make it as an Indie hacker means working hard, long hours, not being afraid to take risks, fail more often than not, pushing yourself out of your comfort zone on a daily basis.
Someone who is just happy to go to a job will not understand what you are trying to achieve no matter what. You cant explain it to them and they wont understand. You are living in different world. Just my 2 cents.
Thank you.
-She just wants to spend her free time watching Netflix or playing on her phone.
You cannot do anything about it. It is her choice on how she wants to spend her free time. I know a lot of people in my circle who do the same. If you are really concerned from mental health point of view, I suggest you talk to experts.
-lack of ambition is creating a negative vibe in our home
As said earlier, not everybody will be as motivated as you are. Not everyone is motivated for the same reason - the motivations can be different.
-And waiting. And asking when I'll be done working
Women need far more attention that you think. You can stagger your work in intervals. Keeping her happy will make you happy.
Again, I am not an expert, just my 2 cents.
I was in the same struggle.
I had a girlfriend without ambition. We broke up. I wanted to build my future and my startups, but she wanted a house, a dog and some kids. I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to invest in myself first.
Now I have a girlfriend who also really likes Netflix and her phone and stuff too. But, she is ambitious. She wants to improve in marketing, since she really likes it. I inspired her to start her own business, so she can do her profession AND her marketing interest activities. She is not where she want to be, she is struggling with financial difficulties, BUT that doesn't matter to me. What do matter is: she has the same mindset. With her I can help her grow individually, and she can understand my wants and needs. Therefor she also accepts when I don't want the Netflix every single night, because she understands my ambition.
The key is being with someone who understands you and be understood. Where you push each other to new heights. Ambitious thoughts was a must for me in this. With my ex it would just not be figured out, because we didn't connect on the mindset-level.
I'm not saying you should break up, but try to talk with your girlfriend on mindset level. Mindset mostly also tells us where we want to be in 5 years from now. If that doesn't align with each other, no need to break up. Try to talk, multiple times. Try to find some alignment and ambition.
But the best is to talk. Good relationships come with uncomfortable conversations. But the more you do so, the more comfortable it will be.
By the way my girlfriend's website is nachelyrivera.com.
Inspired her as an architect to work remotely and even though she is just starting out, she is getting out of the comfort zone.
Maybe you can try and open the eyes of your girlfriend too. Ask her about her ambition, what she like, if she ever considered creating an own company, e.g. From there, maybe you can support her with this and give a little for her to continue on (e.g. create a website / app / social channel / connect with the right people / suggest a book / suggest a course / whatever).
Thank you for this. We've had many conversations about why I do what I do. The mindset. The whole "humans are wired to build stuff and it's one of life's most fun challenges even if it fails" but she tells me she understands it intellectually but not emotionally. I tell her I feel more connected to her when she's into a project, interest... anything, so that we can share that feeling of ambition together. But she really doesn't have any interests outside of running even thought I've encouraged her to try something new. Anything. She defaults to the easy path: Entertainment/Flix etc.
That's really hard...
Then the question is: do you find it attractive that she is like that? Do you accept that the rest of your life? Or do you want to mutually inspire each other in the rest of your life? Do she give you energy? Or do she take energy out of you?
Anyways very good that you did talk about it! Most people are not that brave ;-)
These are the questions. Thank you.
Good luck. It's hard, no easy solution unfortunately.
You should decide for yourself how critical it is for you that a girl spends her free time like this and she has no ambitions. Then you have to accept her for who she is or find a girl who suits your values.
There is a more difficult way - couples psychotherapy, but there are no guarantees that she will change after that
That's hard. No easy answers.
You need to be with someone who appreciates your ambition and has their own ambitions.
And...
You need to prioritize spending time with the people you want to spend your life with.
You’ve got to decide if you want to keep the relationship going. If you do, you need to make sacrifices. Otherwise the relationship will fail. On the other hand…. maybe you aren’t compatible……
I personally hate it when people begin talking about sacrifices. Try to inspire each other and to align with each other's values instead of removing them.
A healthy relationship is based on keeping your own values and interest.
I prefer acceptance and inspiration over sacrifice.
Love yourself first and what you do and inspire the other in that passion.
This will create alignment instead of hostility.
Very good point. You are right.
In my opinion it sounds like you need to reevaluate what you are actually doing to connect with one another that's not about your startup.
Clearly she seems to be wanting more from you in a way that you're not giving to her.
First, if you don't have any motivation to fix that by planning date nights etc the relationship may have run it's course.
2nd:
Think about whether you truly would be happy if she took the same path as you.
It may sound good in theory but a lot of the times this just causes the partners in the relationship to compete against one another instead of working together.
3rd:
You also have to take in account the fact that it's not easy to find someone on the same lifepath as you that you are also attracted to at the same time.
If they check most of your boxes for a long-term relationship, then I say work it out.
No one is perfect.
I don't have the answers but I don't like our current dating culture of just find someone else the minute you get bored. :(
It's making a lot of people unhappy because think they can just hop on social or an app and find a replacement partner.
Hope this helps!
Appreciate it.
You know what worked for me? I got her a chow chow puppy. Worked like a charm.
I like this idea. Pets make everything better at home :D
Are you happy in your relationship? This is the fist question you should ask yourself. If you are, you need to find a way to make this work. Everything in life is a question of balance.
If you are not happy, you should do something about it. Can the relation be fixed? Is it worth it? That is up to you.
Since you're posting here, I'll start with the assumption that:
If that's the case, here are a few things you could try:
Also:
When someone experiences frustration, this is usually the result of unmet expectations.
You GF might also have some frustration on her hand that you're not spending enough time with her.
Speak with her.
Tell her what's on your mind.
And then listen.
That's the only way you'll make this work. Find compromises to make everyone in this relationship happy.
Later in life, when you have kids (if you do, want them), you'll need to compromise. You'll need to adjust and adapt. Better get started now.
Appreciate your perspective here. Thank you.